June 22, 2023

On the other hand, as society becomes increasingly progressive and affirming of LGBTQ people, some churches have become places in which siblings who hold traditional values on human sexuality are villainized, painfully excluded, or shunned. 

So while the world and the media around us love to separate, polarize, disrespect, and create enemies, here is my heartfelt pastoral plea: let’s not be like the world. Let’s be strikingly different. Let’s be like Jesus, who teaches gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15).

In all reality, there isn’t a fully inclusive, safe space on earth where “all are welcome.” Churches are no different. They are made up of many people, and each person has at any moment the opportunity to do good or harm to others. Bishop Bob Farr has said that, as pastors, we aren’t called to speak FOR the church. We are called to speak TO the church under our charge. So church, regardless of your leftness or rightness, your traditionalism or progressivism, your stripe of biblical interpretation, please hear my practical pastoral plea to each of you about human sexuality to make the faith community as safe as it can possibly be:

1. Every single person God created is of inconceivable value and sacred worth to God. Please continue to ask God to help you to believe this and truly value those who are different from you.

God loves and cherishes every single created being - of all genders and sexualities and of all theological persuasions. I’m convinced the reason we are all so different is so that we can get real life practice learning how to love and understand one another better. 

If you are part of a majority, recognize the difficulty in belonging to a minority in any human group you are part of. Imagine how lonely or painful it can be to be a queer person in a largely non-queer world. And shame isn’t where God wants any of us to live. Jesus came to lift people out of shame, particularly the marginalized. The suicide rates, especially of young queer persons, tell us that on the whole as a society, we have a lot of work to do in the area of compassion, understanding, and creating safe spaces. Jesus is the One of whom it is said, “A bruised reed he will not break, a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.” (Isaiah 42:3, Matthew 12:20) Part of the task of Jesus followers is to recognize when people are bruised or hanging by a thread and find ways to lift them up. This can include active listening, expressing empathy, praying with/for hurting persons, and including them. Invite LGBTQ+ persons to participate fully in the life of the church. Each of us belongs to God and is called by God in the waters of our baptism. Each of us has valuable gifts to share with the faith community.

And in a hyper-progressive context, where siblings who hold traditional convictions about human sexuality are the minority, look for ways to respect, honor, protect, and make space for them. Too many forceful progressive activists have also brought harm and slander to individuals wrestling with long-held biblical teachings and Christian tradition of human sexuality in such a rapidly changing world. Each person is where they are on their theological journey at this moment in time with God’s help. Many Christian conservatives have expressed feeling like a target in their own faith community, with legitimate fear of judgment and backlash if their conservative beliefs become known. Let’s not create scary or intimidating situations for one another. Being in a faith community can be socially scary enough. We will never all think alike or share the same beliefs about everything, but we can still choose to truly love and respect one another as our love, peace, and understanding grows.

2. Please don’t go around telling others that because of their sexuality they are sinful or wrong or worse. The truth is that all persons who make Jesus Lord of their lives are called to find the way to handle their own sexuality in the most holy and least harmful way possible. Allow others the respect to do this with the help of the Holy Spirit.

When did the sex lives of others become your business? Christian - you don't need permission from or a poll from other Christians about how best to live out your sexuality. The most important thing you need is a true and authentic relationship with your Creator, Redeemer, and Sustainer. The One who knows you better than you know yourself. The only One before whom you will someday stand. To help with this relationship, we all need honesty with ourselves, grace and forgiveness, prayer, the Bible, and some spiritually mature friends and mentors. But the whole Church doesn't get to vote about who is in and who is out. 

It is also unreasonable and unrealistic to force all sincere and thoughtful Christians to accept a progressive stance and change their personal beliefs about gender or homosexuality. Therefore, I ask you, as a faith community, to avoid dehumanizing or hostile posts about Christian brothers or sisters who hold conservative or traditional marriage values. Please also avoid posting things on social media that are aggressive toward or make fun of queer people. Remember gentleness and respect? And please avoid giving unsolicited advice about private matters such as sexuality, mainly because I think it is rarely helpful and sometimes harmful to do so. 

I sometimes hear other pastors share full sermons or sermon series on human sexuality as an authoritative voice from the pulpit, both from condemning or affirming platforms. It is striking to me when I hear this, because I’ve never met a pastor who is also a sex expert. None of the training I received as a pastor included gender or sexuality studies. The world already hyper-focuses on sex. The church is at her best when she focuses on Jesus.

Jesus promises:  “Seek first [God’s] kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33) Therefore, support and encourage one another as we seek Jesus together. Don’t look down on one another, but trust that your siblings in Christ are where they are meant to be at this moment in time with God’s help. God is able to help each one of us to be faithful in the area of sexuality in our lives, even though our experiences with God’s grace may be very different. Sexuality and gender can be complex, confusing, and extremely personal, most especially as young people are coming of age. All of us are as unique as the very bodies we have, and it is each of our own responsibilities to bring our own sexuality before God and ask for help! We sometimes also ask for help from therapists or trusted mentors as we are seeking God’s grace and guidance. Although it is the aim of the Christian, I have never known anyone whose sexuality has been lived out in complete holiness or has not caused harm. All of us make mistakes. We each have our different sets of realities, wounds, and challenges in this area. And we can’t possibly know the realities, wounds, and challenges that others face. But committing our sexuality to God sanctifies this journey and makes it holy. 

3. In an attempt to be faithful to my understanding of my role as pastor, I will not officiate your wedding. Or any wedding. 

While Christianity over the last few hundred years has become really comfortable with churches and clergy dominating the wedding business, you may be surprised to find out that this is a relatively recent innovation in Christian history, with no precedent whatsoever in the Bible. If you’d like to read extended biblical and historical research on the topic of clergy participation in weddings, you can check out How Holy is Matrimony? Rethinking the Church’s Role in the Wedding Business. I have concluded that by participating in the extra-biblical and governmental role of wedding officiant, the church of today is perhaps poised to do more harm than good. In addition, it breaks my heart how entire denominations are being ripped apart, mostly because of the practice of clergy-officiated weddings that cannot be found in all of scripture and was not necessary for the majority of Christian history. 

I dream that this could also be a way forward, to honor all people in their pursuit of holiness. Many churches' laws still forbid clergy from officiating same-sex weddings, thereby discriminating solely on the basis of sexuality. One way to end the painful discrimination felt by many members is for the Church to get out of the wedding business altogether. For churches whose laws allow it, non-participation in the wedding business can stop excluding people who hold such deep faith convictions about traditional marriage that they can't reconcile the Church's official involvement in it.

Christians have always held various perspectives on various topics. None of us have a fully sanctified personal set of beliefs yet. Even the authors of the sacred scriptures represent a wide array of theological differences. We need to recognize and truthfully identify our own beliefs and the link between our beliefs, identity, and behaviors, and how all of that impacts others. This isn't easy. Some say it is impossible to have a diverse faith community where people are invited and encouraged to hold various perspectives on human sexuality. It's so much easier to be all alike. As we are growing in our faith together, we would honor Christ by honoring and respecting others through these practical ways of serving, valuing, listening, including, NOT offering unsolicited advice about personal matters. I hope to have a faith community that is different from the world and shows that the gospel works among us and brings the best out of love in each of us. 

-Amie